Minneapolitans are being asked to fight ice in a new way. In the aftermath of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s “Operation Metro Surge,” the City Council insists businesses drop “ice” from their names — and even, quite literally, from their premises.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” East Isles resident John Higgins told the Hill & Lake Press, sitting at his kitchen table in the historic Bull Higgins house.
As Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” piped through a Sonos system on repeat, Higgins handed our team an official-looking document on City of Minneapolis letterhead, marked up extensively in what appeared to be graphite from a No. 2 pencil.
“In the aftermath of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s ‘Operation Metro Surge,’ the City Council insists businesses drop ‘ice’ from their names — and even, quite literally, from their premises.”
“The City Council states here that ‘Icehouse’ is too triggering for residents, and that we’ll incur a daily fine of $100 until we change the name starting May 1.”
Higgins claims the city even sent a list of potential new names, including Cold Playhouse, Nicollet Ave and the Music Venue Formerly Known as a Place that Stored Frozen Water from the Lakes Before Freezers Were Invented.
Higgins is just one of many Minneapolis residents receiving such threats from council members.
The Loppet Foundation has been instructed to strip any mention of ice from next year’s Luminary Loppet marketing materials.
In its stead, the city suggested verbiage such as “illuminated frozen sculptures” and “enchanted fire-lit cryogenic water garden.”
A representative from the Minneapolis City Council who asked to go by their Signal pseudonym WhistleFerret, says healing our city in the wake of the federal government’s paramilitary invasion is Priority Number One.
“Who can even think about fixing potholes in a time like this?,” they told the Hill & Lake Press. “We need to change these names, and change them immediately. And this is just the tip of the glacial floe.”
WhistleFerret said to expect changes within the parks system. Parade Ice Garden, which will henceforth go by the name Parade Zamboni Garden.
The outdoor rink at Lake of the Isles will now go by the Slippery Outdoor Oval. If you’re looking to catch a January muskie on Bde Maka Ska, you’ll soon be doing a sport called “freezy fishing” while within city limits.
“A local television meteorologist said a council member reached out to her, asking to remove any mention of ice or icy from upcoming forecasts. ”
WhistleFerret shared they hoped to remove ice from all bars and restaurants, stating they may hold up liquor licenses for places that refuse to comply.
“Cold drinks are overrated,” says WhistleFerret. “We don’t need margaritas on the rocks. We will allow chilled glasses, and businesses may continue to use refrigerated drinks. Just not you-know-what.” WhistleFerret did say slushies may be permitted, provided the texture is more smooth than chunky.
The City Council is also discussing words with “-ice” in them, such as “service, office, rice and mice.”
One helpful neighbor on a hyper-local Signal chat who goes by the name Pannenkoeken, suggested the city try a Castillian approach to ice-laden words.
“I thudied abroad in Barthelona in 2001,” they told our team via secure burner phone. “The dialect thounded a little thrange at firtht, but you get uthed to it.” They cut our conversation short to pick a “slithe” of cheese at Pizza Luce.
A local television meteorologist said a council member reached out to her, asking to remove any mention of ice or icy from upcoming forecasts.
“They suggested I say things like ‘banana peel in Mario Kartlike conditions’ or ‘walk like a penguin on your way to the bus stop’,” she said. “Sleet, hail, snow, blizzard will be allowed, but I’ve been told ice should be treated like the name Voldemort.” When asked if this development played a role in her upcoming retirement, she shrugged.
A spokesperson for the city said they preemptively sent any musician with “ice” in their name notice that they will not be allowed to perform in Minneapolis unless they remove the I-word from their moniker.
Ice Spice and Ice-T did not respond to the Hill & Lake for comment; Ice Cube said this shouldn’t affect any future engagements at Minnesota’s casinos.
Vanilla Ice replied to our email immediately from an aol. com address. “I hoped to play the Greenroom this summer,” he wrote. “But ain’t nobody wanna see someone named Robert Matthew Van Winkle in concert.” (April Fools!)
Molly Mogren Katt is a writer and mother of two. This story originally ran on her post Hey Eleanor! on Substack. She lives in the Wedge.
