Tell us about yourself.
I was born in England and then landed with my family in Minneapolis in 1975. I graduated from Washburn High School, and I have primarily lived in the Twin Cities ever since, except for going to college in Washington State. Both my parents were Lutheran pastors, my mother later in her life. My sister also became a Lutheran pastor. I am married to Kyle, ironically also a Lutheran pastor. As you can tell, the Lutheran church has been very much a part of my life.
What was it like having a Lutheran pastor as the parent of a gay son?
My father was liberal politically — very much involved with the civil rights movement. However, he was homophobic — the “love the sinner, hate the sin” variety. When I finally came out later in my life, around 35 or 36, it was difficult for him and for my mom, too. But over time, he grew to love my husband, Kyle, and showed great love and care for the two children that Kyle and I have together. He has reconciled some of his homophobic beliefs just through knowing and loving his gay son and the people who are important to his son.
Tell us about your family.
I was married to a woman at a very young age. I think I was 21, and I was just kind of starting to develop my identity as a queer person in the early 80s. But I didn't have the courage, and I didn't have the family support like many queer people, to come out at that time. My wife understood before we were married that I was gay because I had told her about those feelings and some experiences I had in college. And she encouraged me just to “be gay.” But she also, at about the same time, found out she was pregnant, and I always wanted to be a dad. I also got to avoid a very difficult choice of coming out and living as a gay man. We understood that there would be no guarantees in our relationship, and we committed to being together in a monogamous relationship. We had three great sons together and continue to be friends to this day. In addition to our three sons, we have three granddaughters from our oldest son.
Tell us about your marriage to Kyle and your family.
We met 22 years ago. He was singing in a cabaret and said, “I will go home with anybody who has air conditioning.” I raised my hand. We have been together ever since, marrying in San Francisco about 14 years ago. Soon after we met, we started talking about having kids. We adopted two kids through Lutheran Social Services, and our kids have the same biological parents. I have jokingly said that if I had known that when I met Kyle, a Lutheran pastor, that I would marry him and have two more kids I would have run the opposite direction. It has been a wonderful and amazing journey with Kyle, and it's been a lot of fun. So I've had a life that's been full of children and love, and I'm so grateful.
Tell us about your professional life.
For about the last 30 years I have worked for the Public Housing Tenants organization in Minneapolis. When I turned 50, Kyle gave me an art class, and I have not stopped since then. I use art as resistance to respond to what is occurring in our country. I paint, draw and sculpt. You can see my art at john-stumme.com.
What do you see as the future of our LGBTQ community?
Kyle and I have two non-binary kids who have benefited from gender-affirming care and whose lives have improved dramatically because of gender-affirming care. Trans people are being erased from monuments, language and documents. It breaks my heart to think about just growing up as a gay kid and never being told that I was okay, and never being told that it was okay to have feelings for another boy. I see that happening now with trans people. Honestly, I'm scared, but I realize too that it's time to be courageous and figure out how to act and react and to do that in community. We need to do whatever we can to protect people and protect children and protect queer people and immigrants.
