“I see a fantastic opportunity to make Uptown great again,” President Trump said from the Oval Office on Tuesday, as American cheese from his Jucy Lucy dripped down the bib covering his shirt and jacket. “We’ll make it the Riviera of the Middle West with that waterfront.”
The city’s Arts & Culture pro gram will subsidize up to $50,000 a year for two years in rent in previously vacant storefronts. Trump wasted no time in sharing his plans for the neighborhood.
“Seven Points?” he said, making air quotes with his fingers. “We’re gonna bring back the name Calhoun Square — John Calhoun, a great American — and turn it into Tesla's midwestern flagship store.”
The former Urban Outfitters space, also available through the Vibrant Storefronts initiative, would make for a shopping experience Trump knows every American craves.
"My friend Mike Lindell — great guy, great Minnesotan — makes the best pillows. Great pillows. I love a pillow that feels like a polyester bag filled with tiny cotton balls.”
The My Pillow store will not only sell its namesake product, but cheap, scratchy towels; fake mustaches; red “Make Uptown Great Again” hats; and throw blankets featuring crying bald eagles. Trump proposed a plan re quiring all Ward 10 and 7 residents to vote at the store so “Mike can keep an eye on things.”
Next, he spoke of plans to buy Magers & Quinn out of their lease. “I saw photos of the shop and honestly? Too many books. And too many books without pictures.” He’s enlisted DOGE to use AI technology to identify and burn any books with DEI-encoded words, such as equality, transition and they.
“You wouldn’t believe how many books include the word they, it’s unbelievable,” DOGE head Elon Musk told the Hill & Lake Press editorial team, as he skipped down Hennepin Avenue holding his son’s hand. When asked the son’s name, Musk replied, “Um, you know, I can’t keep track any more.”
Other changes Trump men tioned? Tearing down Lunds and Byerlys to build a 36-story Trump hotel, complete with first-floor food court to combat the area’s lack of fast food options (“a Mc Donald’s? That’s it?”) and com bining Harriet, Bde Maka Ska, Isles and Cedar Lakes to create one big lake called The Lake of America. “It’ll be a great lake. The greatest lake. To my knowledge, there is no greater lake in Minnesota, let alone America.”
When asked how he will fund the overhaul, Trump said, “Cana da will pay for it.” Construction begins fall of 2025. (April Fools)
