On April 1, in an unusual display of comity, city leaders joined with park board commissioners, county board members and the Met Council to reevaluate plans for Hennepin Avenue, review the Cedar-Isles plan and rethink the Southwest light rail (SWLRT). A discussion of the overlay to the 2040 Plan was removed from the agenda after everyone agreed that they found it incomprehensible.
Hennepin Ave. – A Greener Vision
With bus ridership low and the Uptown shelter closed due to crime, the decision was made to simply eliminate the roadway. “We don’t really need to connect Uptown to downtown anymore,” explained a city planner, who requested anonymity. “This added bonus eliminates the pothole problem but is also a huge win for the lawn lobby who’ve made their case to us with thousands of emails from all over the country.”
The new plan frees up much-needed space for multiple unit apartment buildings with no more than 150 square feet of living space per unit, as required by the overlay to the 2040 Plan — although it was hotly debated what is really meant by a square foot, and how many people can live in one. The discussion was tabled until agreement can be found about how the 2040 Plan defines “foot” and “built structure.”
Leaders did agree to allow a dedicated unicycle trail between Franklin and Lake Street, but under heavy pressure from the Segway lobby it was decided to allow Segways to use the uni-trail in the off-hours. “You are ignoring the needs of working one-wheelers,” shouted a uniactivist before he was escorted from the room. As a compromise it was decided that Segways would be prohibited from making any left turns onto or off of the uni-trail.
In a surprise reversal, it was announced that instead of keeping any of the trees on Hennepin, described by a former project manager as “water-sucking carbon-eating ingrates,” that a canopy of life-like trees made from recycled auto parts will run along the corridor creating a sense of what life will be like in the not-too distant future. “We learned our lesson between Lake and 31st,” said a former City Council president who was invited to attend the meeting as a consultant. “When I moved to Minnetonka I discovered the importance of large shade trees,” she explained. “But looking to a future with limited water and resources, these faux-trees really are the way to go.”
Rethinking Lake of the Isles and East Cedar Woods
Moving from Hennepin to the lakes, the park board announced that due to feedback from an ad hoc pedestrian committee, received after the extensive period of public involvement was closed, the islands in Lake of the Isles will be connected by a bike-friendly causeway to make them more accessible and welcoming to the public. It was not resolved to whom they will be accessible.
Our status quo is crumbling,” noted an elite elderly resident, “We deserve something solid to rebuild on.” But the park board pushed back that it was their land, and they needed a building to house a concession for something at some point. “I think there’s a lot of NIMBYism going on here,” said one commissioner, in response to nothing at all. The chair reminded everyone that the islands were actually Native land, and tabled the discussion until it can be determined what the 2040 plan allows on stolen land.
To encourage more visitors to enjoy the parks, the commissioners announced that the park board is working in collaboration with Valleyfair Inc. to add some amenities to Kenwood Park. “After two years of meetings, we’ve decided that there’s really nothing to do there,” explained a member of the Citizens Advisory Committee. “There are just some oak trees and tennis courts, which are not welcoming.”
“While we haven’t ruled out the water slide from the oak knoll to the northern tip of Lake of the Isles,” said a representative of Valleyfair, “We can assure neighbors that the Snoopy putt-putt course and the Arctic Plunge roller coaster will be tasteful and in keeping with the historic nature of the neighborhood.”
When asked if the Snoopy putt putt course was redundant, given the plans for the 18-hole golf course in the East Cedar woods, she responded with what some felt was a condescending chuckle, “Oh no, apples and oranges. The Snoopy thing will have signage that is welcoming to all. The East Cedar course will be tastefully shielded behind a wall of buckthorn, and only accessible by those on fat tire bikes.”
SWLRT still on track
Last on the agenda was the elephant in the room known as the SWLRT. To avoid finger-pointing and uncivil conduct, the Met Council and county commissioners announced that SWLRT construction will continue despite being a billion-dollar boondoggle. “We feel it’s just too much of a mess to stop now,” said a commissioner who previously supported it.
“However,” added the Met Council chair who belatedly inherited it, “to avoid future cost overruns, construction will be slowed to one crew working one day per month, with a projected April 1, 2055 opening, although that may be optimistic.”
He explained that this will allow time for the understory to recover and for critters and bikers and walkers to reclaim the once-tranquil trail while ridership numbers can be studied. “Those numbers may show that there’s really no need,” he said, adding that this whole thing might be a joke: April Fools!
